Nicole's Lj

Because that's what I'm waiting for, darling.

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 21:55:40 GMT

This summer is probably the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. For lack of a better word, I spent a good majority of the beginning "recovering" from last semester. I had trouble adjusting to the idea that my dreams are allowed to change. For the first time since I was seven I had lost sight of my goals and all sense of self-motivation was gone. I finally needed to fall back on the comfort of friendship, but I could not find one. The people I had become close to and who had come to know me best were spread across the country and my friendships with the people from home were quickly disappearing or frankly uncomfortable for whatever reason. When all else seemed to be falling apart before my eyes, I took a break with a friend who has become close to family over the past few years. But again, for whatever reason, even that friendship came crashing down. Mer said I changed a lot, not necessarily for the worse, when Jon and I stopped talking. I like to think that our separation finally allowed me to let go of something that I've been holding onto for far too long. I finally let a part of myself die and that portion of my heart shall rest in peace with the memories of those who I kept there. I devoted a large portion of myself to the people who helped me appreciate the cliche saying,"Home is where the heart is." I guess when my most meaningful friendship seemed to fade so easily without any inclination or warning of its imminent danger, I realized that maybe my heart need not be so dedicated to those who don't want or need it. I successfully distanced myself from a large number of people and sorted out my priorities and truly evaluated all my friendships. This summer was not exactly an easy transition, but I feel so much better about everything. I spent the majority of my time with four people who genuinely care about me. My friendship with meredith grew stronger than ever and it's great to have her back. I stopped putting forth effort toward people who only pretend to give a damn. There are so many things I could be doing than wasting my time on empty words and polite small talk. I finally let someone I truly care about close to me and he makes me really happy. I am slowly letting my father back into my life and it feels good knowing that I won't regret our relationship if he gets sick again. I have a new idea as to what I want to do with the rest of my life and every morning when I wake up I am excited--excited to learn, to meet new people, to come into contact with everything and everyone I have yet to interact with. I am happy with who I am, happy with who I surround myself with and extremely happy with where I am. So even though things have changed and I have let go, I need to thank those who have taught me to appreciate and who have helped me find who I am. Now it is time for me to move on from this onto something new and see what else is waiting for me.

So after the past few months and my arrival back at Ursinus in a few short days this is what I have come up with...I have always had this tendency to assume that change, when it happens, can only be for the worse, but lately I feel like that is not true. I feel like whatever is waiting for me out there may not be that bad and even if it is then not knowing about it might actually be the good part. Everything changes eventually. That's just the way life is. We have absolutely no control over it. Suddenly people who you think are always going to be there, they disappear. People die, they move away and they grow up. If I have learned anything, one thing worse than the pain of loss is the aching void of inaction. If others can move on and be happy, then I too can do the same. Why should I look back? The future's out there. And whatever it is, it's going to be great. My future is going to be everything I have dreamed of and more.

At the end of this rode I might catch a glimpse of me

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 15:44:11 GMT

For the past month I have been telling people that I am "home" for summer but that is not completely true. I find it amazing how eight months could make me view this house, this town and the majority of the people who inhabit it as something other than the familiar home sweet home that it once was. Ursinus is my new home now, the people I have met and grown with are more than just my friends, they are my new family. It has only been a month but I miss them so much. I have seen and spent more time with people from Ursinus than I have anyone else in the short time I have been home. I can finally say that I made the right choice and Ursinus is definitely the school for me. The people are amazing, the classes challenging and the overall experience is not one you can put monetary value on (although they try with this annoying thing we call tuition). Although I consider school my new home, it is nice to be back in Atco. I love my family and some of my friendships are still going strong which is always a good thing. Meredith and I are still ourselves and I saw Christina the other day and we picked up exactly where we left off. Surprisingly I've been spending time with my co-workers as of late which is kind of nice. Many of my friends, including myself, have changed. I am not saying I did not expect this because if everyone was the same as when I left I might be a little concerned, but some people I once admired are definitely changing in what I see as unadmirable ways. Yes, it makes me sad and at times concerned, but we are all adults now and if there is one thing I have realized (or should I say Jen and I realized) throughout the years it is that interference is not always a good thing. So all I can do is hope for the best for everyone because I know it is what they deserve.

Recently I have been very sick. I have been in bed for six days now and today is the first day I have actually been able to sit up for more than 15 minutes. yay progress! So naturally I had a lot of time to think..and watch dora the explorer =/ but what I have come up with is I am not exactly sure what I want to do with the rest of my life. Science is still a strong interest of mine but my heart might not be in med school, I'm not sure yet. However, I've been getting myself and my ambitions confused. I know who I am and what I want out of life-that has never been a point of confusion for me. For some reason when I started to have second thoughts about med school I felt as if I was slowly but surely losing myself which was never really the case. I found myself a long time ago and that person has deviated very little, if at all, ideal-based persona I attempted to create. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not frightened anymore. I have options. I am an insanely driven girl who will work hard and put all my energy into anything I decide to do. If it isn't med school, it will be something in which I can put my whole heart. Being home is a wonderful reminder to go for your dreams because although taking the safe road may be practical at the time, regret will forever follow you. My mother and father never had the opportunity to follow their dreams and I'll be damned if I settle for something without fully developing my dreams and deciding what I want to do. What's the rush? I have a lifetime ahead of me..I want to do it right. I might have changed in some ways but the most important aspects of Nicole - my drive, my enduring spirit and my attitude - are still here and stronger than ever. I guess what I am trying to say is I am happy with who I am and some may think and say that I bring out negative aspects or "character flaws"..whatever the case may be but that isn't my problem because I know who I am, I know where I want to go and I know that the person that I am is a pretty damn good one and she isn't changing for anyone.

Yeah, things happen – things you don’t expect – or want or like. The world rages and you become someone you didn’t know you’d ever be. And there you are, in your clothes, in your life, this is my future, this is me. This is me and I want things I never thought I would. I want a place to grow, meet new people. A place to be surprised when life turns out to be nothing like I imagined. To be fair, if I was one of the Fates looking down at the best laid plans of dumb little people, I'd probably see mine and want to mess with them too...

life

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 20:27:38 GMT

I have tried to write in here several times in the past few months with no success. I end up erasing every word I write because they all seem so empty. Things are constantly changing around me and I cannot figure out for the life of me if its a good thing or a bad thing. So I'm in college now. I like the classes and the people. I have made a really good friend named Brett who compliments my personality nicely. He reminds me of all the people at home put into one. I spend most of my time with him and although he's the craziest person I've ever met, he keeps me sane. It's pretty ironic. Ursinus is really challenging. The past two months have made me question a lot of things about life, the world, and myself. I used to think I had everything and everyone figured out, but I was sadly mistaken. I have been forced to recognize and accept my own weaknesses which is extremely hard to cope with. I feel like I am losing myself little by little. I wish I knew how I felt about everything. The more I ponder, the more confused I become. I miss a lot of people--some of whom I never expected to miss. I don't have a lot of time to talk to everyone so it feels like I'm slowly, but surely, slipping out of existence to them. That is one thought that I've been avoiding like the plague. Life is just so weird right now. In high school I was always stressed out, angry or happy. No matter how bad the day was, I still felt something. I have always been the type of person who takes interst in everything they do. I am trying so hard but I am just so fucking apathetic anymore. I don't know if its a sign of me being content and having nothing to complain about or me being un-stimulated and having nothing to become excited about. I want to feel again. I am a driven girl with a lot of opinions about everything I encounter but lately all I feel is emptyness-something I have never before encountered. I hope the feeling comes back because, frankly, I miss it.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 16:54:59 GMT

"The more things change, the more they stay the same."

I'm not sure who the first person to say this was, probably Shakespeare. But anyway, the more I get to know people, the more I realize it is a universal flaw--staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still. It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected..who knows what other pain might be waiting out there? Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo, choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad (not as far as flaws go). I mean, you're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone, except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, we hope it is for good and this is the person I get to be forever. Unfortunately, life usually has a plan of its own.

I was thinking the other day that we really do learn from the past. No matter how much my past sucked, I can honestly say I've learned a valuable lesson from it. I have an unbelievable ability to handle pain and to protect myself from getting hurt. Some will call me cold-hearted or maybe even go as far as to say I'm a heartless bitch, but I would have to disagree. I think the way I handle situations shows strength, not callousness. I honestly think I have a very big heart, even if I don't like to show it or admit it often. My feelings are always sincere. I can love someone with whatever pieces of my heart still remain but at the same time can hold onto my belief that dependency is evil. I have a heart, but I'm a cynic. I'm not surprised when things don't work out or fail miserably. That's just how life goes...

Many people and things have left me confused as of late and I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things. I find myself searching for closure with at least three people and with no idea how to obtain it. Well, I just have to be honest with the one person and take it from there. As for the other two, that should be fun. I'm leaving for college in 24 days and suddenly running from my problems no longer seems like the best answer. So I need resolution and I am going to get it one way or another--no matter how awkward it will be or how much it may hurt me. Two of those people are just flat out jerks. That's the way I look at it.

On another note, I am going to college! Not like I didn't know this but I found out who my three roommates are and I am sending in my tuition today and it's just all finally happening. It's weird but I'm so excited. The only wish I have is to see more of my friends before we leave because things have just been so hectic this summer and I miss everyone so much. I have been working like 40 hour weeks. Thank goodness I love the people I work with now, but I still miss my friends. Especially Jenny.. =[

I acted completely out of character last week and it just made me realize that I really am not okay with certain things and the scary thing is that there is only one way to fix that. The question is, am I willing to throw it all away?

This is what I'm saying..=]

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 18:26:44 GMT

The past week has been the most fun I've had in summer..From fireworks with all my friends, to phillies games, parks, crazy trips to Philly, crazy car rides to (and mostly from) White Castle, kidnappings, watching Pirates with a group of like 11 people, wawa at 2 AM, Applebees!, guitar hero times woah, family parties with the delivery of free ice cream =], more movies, and the booch.

This is definitely the kind of time I needed.

So this is what I'm saying, "Here's to the nights that turned into mornings with the friends that turned into family."

I love every single one of you

This Weekend

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 04:55:40 GMT

So this weekend was pretty crazy. I read Jaymie's journal earlier and I'd have to agree with her about summer being way too hectic. I just want to lay down and relax because I've been running around since graduation. Oh well. Friday I worked and had to close. It wasn't too bad because I was in charge of a good crew. I couldn't go to Jenna's though b/c I had to wake up and go to my dad's graduation party the next morning. blah. Frankie saved my life by coming with me. I had a terrible time, to say the least. Days with my dad make me so incredibly sad these days it's ridiculous. I guess I downplay how much his actions hurt me, but Frank saw it for the first time and spoke up. That was interesting. Jon thought I should be mad but it kind of felt good to have someone recognize it and stick up for me...for the first time ever. I really love Frank but I hate how I feel right now. So saturday sucked. But I made it to Jen's party about a million hours late. At least I got to see her, jen and anthony.

Today I had work which kinda sucked and then I went to Anthony's graduation party and now I'm at Adam's graduation party. Andy's computer is pretty cool. I like it :)

This weekend I'm trying to hit up the beach and south street. It'd be pretty cool if that worked out. Alright I'm going to go home and sleep in my own bed now. yessss!

oh and fyi this was a random update b/c I haven't done that in a while.

I love you

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 12:42:22 GMT

we drive tonight,
and you are by my side.
We're talking about our lives,
like we've known each other forever.
the time flies by,
with the sound of your voice.
its close to paradise,
with the end surely near.
and if i could only stop the car
and hold onto you,
and never let go (and never let go)
i'll never let go (i'll never let go)
as we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
"i'll be going through withdrawal of you
for this one night we have spent."
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept "someday, somehow"
as the words that we'll hang from.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

why does tonight, have to end?
why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.
if i had it my way,
i'd turn the car around and runaway,
just you and i.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse. (any worse)
and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words
'cause i, i don't want to make things
and i, i don't want to make things any worse

I'm going to miss you so much. Thank you for everything. Especially for listening to me last night about me and my pickle. I love you

I really really tried.

Fri, 26 May 2006 23:21:02 GMT

I would have to say I am doing alright. More later..

Sat, 20 May 2006 13:51:16 GMT

Some people are dreading graduation and getting a little bummed out about the prospect of leaving in 3 months. I, on the other hand, cannot wait to get out of here. However, there are some people I will have trouble saying goodbye to because they have made such an impact on my life and I love them. Thank you for everything...

Jenny, Jamie, Sarah, Jon, Christina, Meredith, Andy, Adam, Christine, and Matt.

I don't want to hear you say that I will understand someday, no...

Thu, 18 May 2006 20:29:59 GMT

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

shit =[

Growing up..

Tue, 02 May 2006 00:16:17 GMT

I don't know if I'm just extremely anxious to get out of here or if I just had enough of fighting with people about the same stupid things that will not measure out to anything in a few months. Is it just me or does it seem like everyone seems to blow every little problem that they have completely out of proportion? Not even problems--sometimes just plain overreacting over things that could go wrong in the future. And that people act like one little thing is the end of the world, take things extremely personally or that their moods fluctuate by the minute? Some people can be so self-centered and I just do not understand it. I know that I have been guilty of these things many times but I like to believe that in the past few months I have completely changed in the way I deal with people and situations. I could be wrong, though. When I get upset with people, I let it go. Is that the mature thing to do? To ignore it and not complain about something that doesn't really matter? Or is this a sign that I have had enough? Maybe I just came to the realization that if the things I do not like have not changed in the past four years, the chances of them changing in the next four months are very unlikely. So I stopped caring and I am glad to have the people who care and for those who don't, I was lucky to have had them in the past but ready to move on from whatever is preventing the continuation of our friendship.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am not going to get mad anymore. At the same time I am not going to try to fix anything. I am going to live the next few months to the fullest and if anyone has a problem with anything I am doing...well then you can keep it to yourself and get over it because I trust my own judgement over that of anyone else's. I think sometimes we lose sight of the fact that at the end of the day you are your own person and there are very few people in your life who will stick around forever.

Use my best judgment, make my own decisions, learn from my mistakes, don't be self-centered but also don't lose sight of my own opinions and feelings due to guilt, don't act like AP exams are the end of the world (because someone helped me realize they aren't)...and hopefully continue to mature.

Be happy in spite of those who seek to prevent it. That'll teach 'em. I may have some problems (who doesn't?) but I'm going to be happy nonetheless. Sound good? Well it does to me and that's all that matters :) haha

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 15:55:02 GMT

I really hate AP exams. You work so hard all year and in one, 3 1/2 hour test, all your hard work could mean nothing. ugh I know I have no chance on calculus because she's giving us practice tests and I just stare at them blankly. Barbagallo hasn't exactly prepared us well enough for the psychology exam so I'm not going to do well on that. I'm hoping I do well on english. English isn't exactly my best subject..I pulled a 3 last year so I'm hoping to do a little better than that this year. And then there's chemistry which I'm concentrating on. I need to work on equilibrium and reactions majorly. I'm afraid I'm not even going to pass it because you never know what questions they're going to give and it could be some crazy stuff we've never done. I'm just so nervous and the fact that I'm not confident about any of the tests makes me really upset...

Oh well, time to get back to studying..then work..then more studying..then work..then more studying. recognize a pattern?

I feel like a failure, to say the least.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 18:49:47 GMT

I'm finally home and exhausted. Hawaii was absolutely amazing. It was the most beautiful place I have ever been and when I was sitting on the beach watching the sunset with some of my favorite people I felt like I could stay there forever. The scenery was seriously breathtaking. I missed my friends though and that's the only good thing about coming home. Other than missing a select few and being sick the majority of the trip, Hawaii was a blast. The seniors and Meredith went crazy. The instructors told me I went down a whole notch on the responsibility scale by the end of the trip for hanging out with Inez. haha classic. Here are some highlights..

-Surfing in HAWAII!!! ahhh that was definitely the best part.
-Being Hitler of Spoons and wrestling Meredith on the floor in front of all the instructors. That game is intense.
-Dancing on a table to fallout boy and having my instructors take pictures.
-Being present in the back of the bus to watch the penis game and hearing mr. tomasello say "I'm sorry but you guys cannot play the penis game anymore."
-Singing "Lean on Me" with the entire band on a random street corner and having people stop and watch.
-Taking a shower with Christine and Heather. haha
-Hanging with cousin Kiri!

As much as I missed people, I love being away. It gives me time to think and regain my perspective. I haven't been able to do that since I went to Hungary and I think it was good for me. Getting out of a small town and traveling across the country makes you realize how small your little life and little problems are in contrast to the gigantic world. Problems that existed before I left are whatever. I can't waste so much time worrying about things that won't even matter in 4 months. Whatever happens, happens. I'll roll with the punches. I just gotta concentrate on finishing this year and stop worrying about the drama. I've had my closure and I'm ready to move on with my life. It's about time. =]

So starts the massive catching up and cramming for AP exams. Oh, geez. It's good to be home? haha

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 17:21:17 GMT

So the highlight of my life was last night. The phone rings and I see Christopher Hauser (sp?) on the caller ID. And the first thing I thought was, "no it can't be.." But when I pick up the phone I hear Lindsey talking to Brittany!!! And I hear Brittany say "Okay, I'll be right over." So I drop the phone and go running down the street without shoes on. I swear it was like the movies..where the two people run into each other's arms. We both almost cried. Two freaking years. I missed her so much. We hung out and caught up and I miss her and I love her and I'm glad she's back in my life. She was like a sister to me and I was so stupid for losing touch. I hope things go back to how they used to be. I would really really love that. I guess I tried to ignore how much I missed her because it always made me so sad but you really can't ignore it when the sight of them brings tears to your eyes. We still have it. That is friendship...

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 22:57:58 GMT

I love how all my friends can sense when I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Jon, Christina and my entire chemistry class are pretty much amazing..or maybe I just spaz out a lot when I'm stressed. Bucci told me to take a walk during chem today..."Vargs, walk it off.." hahahaha

I think an all-nighter tonight to end off the week and then...well I can't even think about the rest.

I miss my best friend

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 15:48:03 GMT

I miss Jen =(
I hope she comes home with her mentality intact.
ugh chorus sucks.

Stressing like crazy in the meantime...
Shouldn't have wasted time writing an entry

Later

Alright, alright, slow down...

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 18:53:38 GMT

Close the door and take the stairs.
Up or down? Ups and downs.
Don't pretend you've never been there.
You kiss me like an overdramatic actor who's starving for work,
with one last shot to make it happen.
You've won the role, you've played your part, you've been cordially invited.
But I'm not impressed, and I'm definitely not excited.
'Cause the film runs a shallow budget, and the writer's subject script isn't any deeper.
So dive right in...

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
hey you, who are you kidding?
Don't quit 'til 47.
Then we'll turn it up and we'll play a little faster.

Take back everything you ever said.
You never meant a word of it. You never did.
Take back everything you said.
You never meant a word of it. You never did.

She said 'Alright, Alright, slow down!"
Oh no, oh no, we won't.
'Cause I regret every thing that I said
To ever make her feel like she was something special,
Or that she ever really mattered.
Or did she ever really matter?

Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
hey you, who are you kidding?
I'm not like them. I won't buy in.
Hollywood hills and suburban thrills,
just don't count on this summer.
Don't quit 'til 47.
Then we'll turn it up and we'll play a little faster.

I'm not saying that I'm not breaking some hearts tonight, girl.
Oh...
I'm not saying that I'm not breaking some hearts tonight, girl.

Alright, alright, slow down...

I <3 this song because it kind of explains my mood. mmm kay
I need to get my act together asap

My friends make me feel like a good person when I don't necessarily like myself very much...

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 05:35:59 GMT

iactura2serva: they are doing it because you did it and they like you
GeniusPartyofOne: yeah
GeniusPartyofOne: I'm probably not a good example
GeniusPartyofOne: haha
GeniusPartyofOne: because I got along with everyone for the most part
iactura2serva: yea - that's one of the reasons so many people wanted to try out - they like you
iactura2serva: they really like you
GeniusPartyofOne: like who?
iactura2serva: everyone
^I'm really really going to miss being drum major.

Gryffin04: I need Nicole. She's my god
Gryffin04: i like pray to you
Gryffin04: and follow you
Gryffin04: a lot of us look up to you
Gryffin04: you made my day
Gryffin04: it's times like this I realize I woke this morning for a reason
Gryffin04: thanks for being my friend:-)
Gryffin04: I like you your a good time
GeniusPartyofOne: hahaha I think you used the same description for jeremmy
Gryffin04: oh God
^haha Petey and I are trouble.

Me red it H x 11: they dont listen becuase they dont know how to they are to focused on making me forget
GeniusPartyofOne: okay I'm wrong
Me red it H x 11: but then theres you who for some unknown reason has the power to influence me mroe then any one i know
GeniusPartyofOne: is that a bad thing?
Me red it H x 11: which well is kinda scary thing...but not necasserily bad
Me red it H x 11: at all
Me red it H x 11: Nicole, Do me a favor and scroll up to those 4 paragraphs you sent me and re read them then....hopefully you'll realize that you dont need to say that for people to see it
GeniusPartyofOne: say what for people to see what?
Me red it H x 11: what a great person you are
Me red it H x 11: people dont want to take your job they want to be you becuase you are a great person
Me red it H x 11: alot of ppl look up to you
Me red it H x 11: and nicole
GeniusPartyofOne: ?
Me red it H x 11: Thanks, Tonight you ought to feel good about yourself, becuase you diffinitly helped, unfortunitly it was more then you will ever be able to realize...Thanks.
^That means a lot coming from her...

GeniusPartyofOne: Yeah but it makes you a good person
GeniusPartyofOne: so now maybe you'll go to heaven
GeniusPartyofOne: unless they know that you're friends with me and in that case you're fucked
GeniusPartyofOne: sorry
andymacsnewsn: yea being friends with an angel is an automatic trip to hell
andymacsnewsn: i dont work tomorrow
andymacsnewsn: so ill be ready to stay up
GeniusPartyofOne: alright you have to stay up longer than me
andymacsnewsn: no promises
andymacsnewsn: haha
GeniusPartyofOne: haha you suck
andymacsnewsn: goodnite
GeniusPartyofOne: night
andymacsnewsn: love ya
^Awww

Back to work...

Got cynicism?

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 23:15:39 GMT

My manager who I've met maybe 4 or 5 times randomly asked me yesterday when and why I became such a cynic. I almost dropped the dishes I was washing. It probably is not a good thing that my employer picked up on that. I'm obviously not doing a good job of hiding it anymore.

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 01:52:11 GMT

I accomplished a lot this weekend. I got a $175 paycheck which I was happy about b/c I was only expecting $100 and I made $20 in tips so I can get my car washed now. I also set up a checking account at commerce so that is good. I worked 15 hours which was crazy but it happens. I have to work tomorrow, too. I'm starting to get the hang of the job. omg if I had to make one more espresso drink today I think I would have died. Steaming milk and pulling shots can be a real pain in the ass when there is a huge line.

I got the Panic! At the disco cd and that's all I've been listening to since Friday. Christina's party was fun even though there were only 5 of us. We took a trip to McDonalds for some shamrock shakes. Her boyfriend is hilarious. The after-prom party is going to be fun with that crazy couple.

I did 6 loads of laundry. Meredith will be proud because there are no dirty clothes in my closet. I also picked up the next english book and read a few pages. I finished my calculus homework. All I have left is studying for psychology which I'm going to do now and then call it a night because it's going to be one of those really long weeks.

My dad came home from the hospital yesterday since he head a heart attack. He has an irregular EKG and has to get cut open tomorrow and tuesday. It's so ridiculous that they don't know what's wrong. This is the 4th heart attack in two years. This one really scared me because I got in a big fight with my dad a month ago and I haven't really told anyone and then the thought of losing him on bad terms made me really really upset. No one even called to tell me he was in the hospital. I found out through an IM on the computer which pissed me off too. He's been sick for a long time but I didn't tell anyone and I don't talk about it mostly because I can't deal with it. I guess if I pretend like his sickness doesn't exist, then I'll keep it together. Sometimes I really wish that I had one of those perfect families like some of my friends have. I mean seeing both of my parents on the same day is something which hasn't occured since a funeral. Sometimes I just get really jealous of people whose parents are together even if they don't have a perfect marriage. The thought of two parents is nice.

I'm not complaining it's just something I think about sometimes. There's always the question of "what if?" Oh well I'm a happy kid and lucky to have what and who I have. Random thought-I want to hang out with Andy this weekend. I feel like I've been blowing him off for the last 2 weeks. idk time to study

I'm going to go study and sleep.

Change is good...

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 01:36:02 GMT

Everything's been strange lately. It feels like my life is moving so quickly and in so many different directions and I'm just a spectator watching it all go by. I stopped trying to analyze people and situations. I stopped getting excited over little things. A lot of things have been happening but I'm not worrying about it and I'm not trying to find answers. In the past I always needed answers. In a sense, I always ruined the fun of the ride. Now I realize that you don't always have to know where you're going and there really is meaning in the saying, "Half the fun is getting there." I'm going to stop worrying about the outcome and enjoy the ride for once. I'm going to be grateful for what I have and not reminisce on what I've lost.

I've also come to the conclusion that nobody should ever be able to make me feel bad for being happy. I can't really help what or who makes me happy. All I know is that happiness is often rare and that if something can change that then I need to go with it and not give a damn about what anyone else thinks. And if someone wants to make me feel bad for feeling the way I do, then I have the right to tell them to shove it. Call me self-centered I don't care. But when you think about it, who do you live your life for? If you answer anything other than yourself than you can't really call it "your life". People are supposed to live their lives for themselves. They have a right to make themselves feel happy and shouldn't ever have to feel bad about it. Everyone is responsible for finding their own source of happiness and you can care about others and try to help them but you should never ever feel obligated to constantly sacrifice your own happiness to make others happy. If they're unhappy, they should do something to fix it.

That wasn't in response to any specific event. I just know that I tend to hide my feelings sometimes and in the past I've felt bad for being happy but now I'm vowing never to do it again. There's a difference between being a good friend and being a push over and I will not cross that line.

I am lucky. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my school. I love my life. I love myself..

Can we start over?

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 22:12:45 GMT

I'm going to be positive about this week because next week are the HSPAs and I get to sleep in so if I just make it through the next five days I should be good. When I came home from work last night, Lauren and T Ush were chilling in my bed. I love those girls...especially when they come home to surprise me. I wish I wasn't working all day! Mi madre is leaving tomorrow night so Meredith gets to move in again! Her AND her broken foot. I thought she was going to kill me when I kept making jokes about her crippledness today. Oh well we're going to have fun. Greg asked me if the party is Friday or Saturday. If he doesn't trust me, he shouldn't be leaving me alone. That's my theory. pfft parents...

This week's checklist?

[ ] Fill out the Robert C. Byrd Honors Scholarship Program packet
[ ] Finish Chapter 15 Solutions Manual for Chem
[ ] Finish Paradise Lost/Write Paper
[ ] Calculus Packet
[ ] Re-do one of the KSP problems on the equilibrium test
[ ] Get a good portion of Chapter 6 done
[ ] NHS Meeting
[ ] Work on the NHS Scholarship
[ ] Don't get sick
[ ] Start running on my treadmill again b/c my ankle has been bothering me
[ ] Go tanning so my mom doesn't kill me
[ ] PrOm DrEsS sHoPpInG (I like how this is my least favorite on the list)
[ ] Plan something for friday night
[ ] Work Saturday and Sunday

I know everyone wanted to know my agenda. You're welcome.

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 00:26:01 GMT

And wisdom always chooses these black eyes and these bruises over the heartache that they say never completely goes away...

I like you too much to risk it. I don't care if that sounds stupid. Losing you really isn't one of my options right about now. I've come to depend on you a little too much...

I gotta pull up the grades in calculus and chemistry. Tomorrow my safety application goes out and I'm done! Sup college? Five people in the last week have asked me if I was in college. All I could say is, "hah! I wish..." The people I work with are great. I miss my sister I have to go visit her soon. I miss my friends I have to hang out with them this weekend. My parents are going to Jamaica next week. They are making me go to the doctors! ughh I think Meredith and Jen are going to stay with me scoreeeee. That's about it.

Right now I have to do laundry and read Paradise Lost. mmmmhmmmm

Venting...if you don't like it, don't read it.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 02:08:12 GMT

I'm so sick of being in fights with people. It's like an every other week thing and I'm tired of it. I never used to fight with people. I guess that was because I never had faith in any of my friends. Maybe I just put too much faith in the people I love. I mean when people used to dick me over, I pretty much expected it so it didn't hurt. Now I can't deal with it because it hurts too much. Some people can just ignore it but after a while I can't take it anymore. I feel immature getting mad at people. Like "ohh I'm not talking to you. What now?!?" but it's not even like that. For instance, Jon Wood yelling at me a few weeks ago and us not talking. Or Jen calling me yesterday and yelling at me. Or the fact that I'm not talking to Matt. The Matt thing is partially my fault. I mean he doesn't really understand me and that was my fault for thinking he did. But there's this one thing he continues to do over and over again and I finally snapped and had to stop talking to him to regain my sanity. I think I was more upset with the fact that we really aren't best friends anymore but I guess that's a two way street but the street he is going down just makes it ten times worse and I thought he would understand that but he doesn't and that's my fault for having those expectations to begin with. I don't want to ignore him anymore, but if he were really my best friend he would treat me better. It's that easy. I just have to get over the expectations I've created.

In conclusion, I'm going to stop putting so much faith in people because I'm sick of it blowing up in my face and people hurting me left and right. It's just so god damn annoying. People really don't understand and I don't know why I thought they would. I think my anger is completely justified and if you think I'm wrong, keep your opinions to yourself because I don't care. For once, I'm doing something to protect myself from feeling like this again.

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 04:21:38 GMT

So Adam and Jon asked me to come over today. I said no b/c I had to finish reading Beloved. 10 minutes later..who shows up at my door? If you guessed anyone other than Jon and Adam just stop reading. Anyway Adam proceeds to pick me up, lock my door, and throw me in the back of Jon's car. I jumped out of the MOVING vehicle b/c I didn't want to go only to find out that my door was locked and I didn't have a key. Long story made short...they ended up coming back to my house and staying for hours. I tried to kick them out, but they wouldn't leave. So they brought some major things to my attention. Adam revealed some information that has left me hopelessly confused. I guess it's a good thing. It's never a bad idea to work on fixing your flaws.

It's been a pretty bad day. Even though they terribly distracted me..they made it somewhat better. That's saying a lot for this sucky day.

I'm thinking about breaking down the wall. I feel kinda crazy for even thinking about it though. See what these pinheads do!